I am a loner by nature. I do a pretty good job of hiding that for the most part. I somehow learned early in life to become the person everyone wanted me to be. Most people who know me would use words like bubbly, party girl, even social to describe me, because that’s what I show them. The people who really know me, know that is all for show. I crave solitude, especially in times of turmoil or high emotion. I need to be alone with my thoughts, I need to meditate, to write, and process. That is how I cope, how I survive.
For the most part, I have surrounded myself with people who can respect that, if not completely understand it. The people closest to me can see when I need to disappear for a little while and step back. They tell me they are there for me when I need them, they love me, and then, they leave me to process. That is priceless to me.
A few of my friends, however, just don’t get it. They process their emotions by talking, and therefore, that is what I should do no matter what. I have a big problem with anyone telling me that my way of handling my most personal, private feelings is wrong, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. This leads to a lot of guilt on my part, and seriously, I am about filled as far as I can with guilt.
I don’t know how to explain the need for solitude, or even what I get from it. I am so thankful for the people in my life who wish me well, know and trust I won’t be gone for long, and are always there to welcome me back.