Perfection?

Last night, lying in bed, a memory came to me out of nowhere.  You and I were dating.  It was winter, just after the holidays.  It was a cold Saturday and I had come to your house early, to spend the day together.  We spent the entire day in your room, making love and talking, occasionally sleeping.  We listened to music, and laid wrapped in each other’s embrace, and I remember thinking to myself, this, this is perfection.

That evening, we finally got out of your bed.  We went out to eat, and you stopped at my car to kiss me in the falling snow.  After dinner I drove home, the snow building in intensity.  I remember seeing a snow plow on the bridge, and gratefully following behind it, relatively sure that it would be safer that way.  I was always afraid of driving over that bridge anyway, let alone in the snow.

For years, I kept that memory close to my heart, to have during the bad times with you.  My perfect day.

But……

What I didn’t allow myself to remember about that day?  That day was an apology from you.  I didn’t let myself remember that you kept the lights off in your room, and we made love under blankets, so you couldn’t see the fresh bruises all over me.  I didn’t want to think about how afraid I was to say anything, because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, and get you angry all over again.  I pretended to forget that the reason I drove home to New Jersey from Philadelphia instead of spending the night at your house was because I had seen the tell-tale glaze in your eye after the third or fourth drink that night.

You say I don’t tell the whole truth on my blog?  This is my truth.  All of it.  Is this what you wanted to see?

I Will Not Be Silenced

So, it’s been a long time since I’ve been here, to this place that I truly love.  I cannot express how much I have missed it.  I feel like I have made friends here, I can express myself here in ways I can’t in my “real” life.  I love all of that, it’s part of the reason I started blogging to begin with.  Yet, for months now, I haven’t even signed in to this site.  For that, I am sorry.

The reason for my absence?  To put it very simply, I caved to pressure.  For a while, I resisted it.  My words that I have written here were taken, quite out of context, twisted to fit some distorted reality created by alcohol, and thrown back at me as a weapon, but I still wrote.  Particular posts were used to threaten me, I was told that if I didn’t stop writing my most personal secrets would be exposed on another social media site, but I still wrote.  This made some people very angry, and I have to admit, I kind of enjoyed their anger, because I thought it was ridiculous.  Finally, I was threatened with losing custody of my children.  That was a risk I could not face.  Logically, I knew it was probably impossible for me to lose custody because of anything I have said, here or anywhere, really, but I caved.  My children mean more to me than anything, certainly more than a blog, so I quit.

But not anymore.

You know what I found?  I was still threatened with all of the same things, whether I wrote or not.  Those secrets?  Were published anyway.  No one will take my children away from me, you know why?  Because I am a damn good mother, and the best parent that these kids have.  And because, even though I would never make them say it, my kids know that they are better off with me.

So, yes, I am back.  And I am going to stay back.  I wasn’t sure if I would stay until I finally signed in to my account and found out that nine people check back here daily to see if I’ve posted.  That means so much to me, I can’t possibly tell you.  I love you all.

I am very aware that there will be fallout from this post, and I am ready for it.  In anticipation of the backlash I am going to repeat what I have said eleventyhundred times, here and elsewhere.

This is my blog.  To me that means this is my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of things that happen to me and around me.  This is how I process.  There are things that I write here that I don’t talk about in my “real” life.  There are some things, however, that I do not discuss here.  The reasons for that are mine and mine alone.  I am the only person who has the right to decide what is and is not shared on these pages.

This is a biased account of things that happen in my life.  It has to be, because I am the only one writing here.  It is my side of the story, my reactions to situations.  Of course there is another side.  Probably several more sides.  If you would like your side known, there are a couple of ways to handle that.  You could comment here on my blog.  I welcome comments, and I will publish them.  I may take them down eventually, but I will publish them long enough to let your thoughts be known.  Also, you could make your own blog.  If you would like, I will link to it from here, so everyone that sees my side will have the opportunity to see yours as well.

You cannot tell me what I can write.  You cannot tell me how to feel.

I will not be silenced.