Day 20: The person who broke your heart the hardest…………….
I have been writing a letter every day now, for twenty days. For twenty days, I have known this letter was coming. I still don’t know if I dread writing this, or am in some way relieved. It seems to me, a whole year later, it’s about time for me to have a chance to say something.
I don’t think you really know what happened to me, after you were finished with me. Let me see if I can put this into perspective for you. I had just left my husband, who retained custody of two of my children. My daughter refused to speak to me, because of my relationship with you. I had just recently been played by the person I had an affair with. Through all of that, you were there. Even when I didn’t want you to be, you were there. I’ve got to tell you, you are good at the game. You read me well, knew exactly what I desperately needed to hear, and you said it all. Expertly, with emotion. I fell for it. I didn’t want to, I tried not to, but ultimately, I did.
See, the funny thing is, I saw through you the first time I met you. The first time I talked to you, I said you were a player. Did you know that? You used to tell me that I was the only one that really “got” you. I was the only person who saw the real you. That may not be exactly true. I did see you as a player. What you were referring to, however, is that I saw you for who you could be, not who you are. Even now, I still think you have the potential for greatness, but potential doesn’t mean much if you don’t use it. The reality is, the person I loved, never really existed.
Months of phone conversations. I told you things only my very closest friends know. I believed you when you said you would never hurt me. You once told me you put me on a pedestal, but really I put you on a pedestal, and I was the one who was hurt when you fell.
You almost cost me my daughter! Can you even begin to understand what that means? You not only hurt me, you hurt my children. A year later, they still have the scars. They may always have the scars, I really hope not. I don’t hate you, and I really do wish you happiness, but a part of me will never forgive you for that.
The breakdown that I had after you moved on? Yeah, I know you heard about that, but that wasn’t just about you. That was a culmination of the past year crashing down on me, all at once. Yes, you played a part, and it knocked me on my ass when the reality of your manipulation finally sunk in. It wasn’t all you, though, and it didn’t last long. I am stronger now, more cautious. I don’t think I will ever give my heart as freely as I once did. That’s okay though, because the next time I do, it will be to someone who deserves it.
One more thing. I addressed this letter to anonymous. I know that you are very over protective of your privacy. That isn’t why I didn’t use your name. I did it out of respect for my children. I don’t owe you anything, I owe them everything.