100 Things

So, it’s my 100th post!  Seriously, I never thought I would get here.  I have a tendency to give up on things very easily, even things I like.  It’s taken almost a year to get here, if that’s any indication to you, but I did get here.  I choose to see this as progress.

So, because it’s my 100th post, and because everyone else does it, I give you 100 Things About Me:

1. I did a 100 things meme once before, for Facebook, but I have no idea what happened to it.

2. What I do remember of  that one, no longer applies to me.

3. My life has changed dramatically in the past two years.

4. I don’t own a pair of slippers.

5. My best friend is a witch.

6. She lives in a haunted house.

7. She is convinced that my grandparents haunt her house, among others.

8. I lived in the afore-mentioned haunted house for 6 months.

9. My grandparents are not happy with my life.

10. I am not religious, but I am very spiritual.

11. I am still legally married, but I refer to my husband as my ex.

12. My ex does not like me very much.

13. I live in the same house as my ex.

14. That is every bit as uncomfortable as it sounds.

15. My children are the reason I exist.

16. Sometimes my children make me crazy.

17. Sometimes I make my children crazy.

18. I love to read.

19. I hate to read romance novels.

20. I secretly read, and loved, the entire Twilight Saga.

21. I also love to write.

22. I have huge problems with commitment.

23. I have been known to fall in love too easily.

24. I think the word Love is one of the most misused words in the English language.

25. I don’t think I believe in romantic love.

26. I cannot say the word aluminum.  I have no idea why.

27. I am a huge coffee addict.

28.  Also sugar-free Red Bull

29. I always stir my coffee 5 times.  No more, no less.

30. My favorite type of food is Thai.

31.  I am overly emotional at times.

32.  When I get really mad, I cry.

33.  It makes me madder that I am crying.

34.  That makes me cry more.

35.  I am 42 years old.

36.  My age doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.

37.  Most people would tell you I am an open book.

38.  I hate that about myself.

39.  I would do anything for my friends.

40.  I don’t think I could live without my cell phone.

41.  I don’t like marshmallows.

42.  I love animals.

43.  I love most types of music.

44.  I believe that music and books are necessities, not luxuries.

45.  My dream vacation is a bicycle tour of Tuscany.

46.  No one I know has any desire to take a bicycle tour of Tuscany.

47.  I love the ocean.  I find it to be relaxing and conducive to thinking.

48.  I cannot stand to be ignored.

49.  The fastest way to get me angry is to hang up on me.

50. My ex hangs up on me frequently.

51.  About eight years ago, I went on a diet.

52.  I lost 120 pounds.

53.  It took 3 years.

54. Since then, I have gained and lost the last 20 pounds tons of times.

55.  I am currently trying to lose the same weight again.

56.  It really irritates me that I keep repeating this cycle.

57.  I get into a lot of fights with my ex about my blog.

58.  I think it makes him angry when I have something that makes me happy.

59.  I think that is too bad for him.

60.  I believe that it is vitally important to laugh every day.

61.  I can wiggle my ears.

62.  I never realized how boring I am until I tried to write 100 interesting things about myself.

63.  I am never doing this again.

64.  I believe that you have to be an active participant in life, not an observer.

65.  I hate passive aggressive behavior.

66.  11 years ago I went roller skating with my kids.  I had to have bone removed from my hip to replace the shattered bone in my wrist.

67.  I have never gone roller skating again.

68.  I do not recommend roller skating over 30.

69.  I have met people online that I consider my friends.

70.  I am very grateful for them.

71.  The older I get, the more political I get.

72.  That surprises me about myself.

73.  Also, the older I get the more sarcastic I get.

74.  That does not surprise me.

75.  Telling me I can’t do something is the same as daring me to prove you wrong.

76.  I have a overwelming fear of heights.

77.  I once wrote a pornographic erotica story.

78.  It was published in an online magazine.

79.  It was totally different from anything I have ever done, before or since.

80.  I would totally write another one if the inspiration struck.

81.  As a rule, I don’t like porn.

82.  I do like shocking people.

83.  There are things about me that would probably shock a lot of people.

84.  You will not find them on this list.

85.  When I get very cranky, I am likely to have a tantrum.

86.  Because I’m like, 5.

87.  Oh my dear LORD this is hard!

88.  I am deeply concerned about the increasing gun violence in our country.

89.  Sadly, I think this trend will continue.

90.  I don’t believe in fighting hate with hate.

91.  I forgive people way too easily.

92.  I thrive in chaos.

93.  I really hate drama in my life.

94.  I used to have a LOT of drama in my life, but I don’t anymore.

95.  I am eternally grateful for that.

96.  I love movies.

97.  I have watched every Molly Ringwald movie like a million times.

98.  The Breakfast Club is my favorite.

99.  I seriously doubt anyone is still reading this.

100.  I have never been so happy to finish a blog post in my life!

It Does Get Better

This is for you,

you young, disheartened youth.

The ones who walk through the halls of your schools, and your homes,

silent

cautious

You don’t want to draw attention,

don’t want to make a scene,

don’t want anyone to notice,

the difference.

Your difference.

You see it in their faces, hear it in their hushed laughter,

the whispers behind cupped hands.

They know.

They know, and they hurl venom filled words like daggers through your heart

They know,

and their fists bloody lips, but their contempt bruises souls,

They know.  And you know, that your life will be hell.

As teachers turn a blind eye,

and principals shake their head and look away

You feel like giving up

Because the torture goes on

day

after day

And who wouldn’t give up when the option is hell?

But wait

I promise

five years after highschool,

those tormenters, the ones with the Colgate smiles,

the shiny Barbie doll hair,

with Ken by her side.

The football player

who is worshiped by students and faculty alike

will be fat, and balding

and spend their time reliving their Glory Days

because now is their only time to shine.

And you,

you will learn how to  hold your head high,

and spread your wings.

And five years after highschool

You will shine brighter than they ever dreamed of shining.

Because you are strong,

and you are a gift

and you will know this

because, believe me,

It does get better.

This is a rather pathetic attempt at poetry.  This is in response to the many, many blogs and videos for the “It does Get Better campaign.

10 Reasons I am Happy it’s Fall

I love fall.  It’s always been my favorite season.  I can feel the anticipation building as the days get shorter, and in the middle of the heat we have become accustomed to over the long summer, we have a week of cooler temperatures, giving us hope that relief is coming.  Some of my favorite things about fall?

1.  Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks!  Need I say more?  Pure awesomeness!

2.  A new school year.  I have always felt that this, more than New Year, is the appropriate time for resolutions.  A hold over from my own school days, I still feel a twinge of excitement each September.

3.  Football!  I love watching football, love cheering on my favorite teams, and love the good-natured arguments about who’s team is better at work.

4.  The leaves changing.  Maryland has beautiful trees, and by the middle of October, has the most awesome colors.  Gorgeous to look at, fun to take walks in crunching leaves under our feet, even more fun to rake into piles for the kids to jump in.

5.  Spice cookies.  When I was a little girl, I called these October cookies, because that was the only time we had them.  One sniff, and I am instantly six years old again.

6.  The clothes.  I adore sweaters!  They are, without a doubt my favorite things to wear.  And boots.  I love boots, too.

7.  Bonfires.  The smell, the sounds, toasting marshmallows, telling ghost stories.  One of my favorite things to do with my friends.

8. New episodes of my favorite shows.  Gray’s Anatomy, Glee, awesome!

9.  Halloween.  Never was a big fan of Halloween until I had children.  Now I love seeing how excited they are picking costumes, and trick-or-treating.  We have a lot of traditions for Halloween, from what we eat for dinner, to what neighborhoods we make sure to visit.

10.  Getting ready for the holidays.  Yes, I stress out about Christmas every year.  Yes, I work in retail so it’s insane every night.  I still love the holidays.

What are your favorite things about fall?

He’s Just Not That Into Me

It’s happened to me before.

I know the signs, and I’ve seen them coming for about a year now.

The breakup is coming.  It’s inevitable.  It’s sad, very sad.  No amount of Ben and Jerry’s is gonna take this one away.

The signs were small, at first.  No more kissing goodbye as the school bus pulled up.  Kisses suddenly had to take place in our house, and waving was the only acceptable form of goodbye where people could see.  Okay, I could live with that.

Then, our nightly “I love you to the moon and back again” stopped.  That one I justified by telling myself  it was because I work at night, and I wasn’t there every night for bed time.  Sad, but unavoidable.  This one hurt a little though, I gotta admit.

Then, then it happened.  It’s been almost a year now, and I still remember the conversation.

Sam: Mom, would you say I’m cute?  You know, if you were a girl?

Me:  Sam, I am a girl.

Sam: Oh my Gosh Mom!  Can’t you be serious for once?!  Geeze!

My baby, my little boy.  The one who once told me to wait for him to grow up so he could marry me, no longer thought of me as a girl.  Worse yet, I wasn’t even someone who could have an opinion about his cuteness!  Devastating!

This happened before, as I said.  There was once a little boy named Matthew, who thought I was the greatest thing in the world.  His chubby little face lit up when I walked in the room.  He didn’t want me to work, even when he was in school, because he liked knowing I was at home, waiting for him.  He is now 15, and likes to know that there is food at home waiting for him.  I can be there or not, I don’t think he much cares one way or another most days.

So, once again I am being left behind, along with a piece of my baby’s childhood.  It’s just a matter of time before little girls start calling for him, too.  The plan is to play it cool, let nature and the passing of years take their course.  I’m telling you this much though.  The first time one of those bratty little girls hurts one of my boys, it’s ON!

30 Day Letter Challenge Wrapup

So, for the past 30 days I have been writing letters.  I have to say, it feels weird not to be starting this post in the form of a letter.

The Letter Challenge.  Yeah, I had no idea it would be as emotional as it was.  Some of the letters made me cry, one by the very first line.  Some of the letters I honestly felt like I “phoned in”, not feeling any strong connection to.  One letter gave me such a feeling of empowerment, I guess you could say, that I literally danced on my bed after I posted it.

I wanted to do this challenge for a few reasons.  First, I have a terrible problem with commitment, and needed something to hold myself accountable.  Second, I was having a major case of writer’s block, and this gave me 30  days of having a topic picked for me.  Mostly, I wanted to do this as a challenge to myself, to see if I could be totally honest with myself, and with my readers.  As I said, it was more emotional than I anticipated, but I am really glad that I did it.

I have chosen another writing challenge that I am going to start soon.  I have decided to give myself a week or so, the I am going to start again, this time the 30 Days of Truth.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Sounds like me, right?  I love it!  I would love to have company on this journey, Jolie over at This Side of Changed was doing this last challenge along with me, and made it even more fun.  So read over the list, and let me know if you decide to do it!

A Letter To My Reflection

Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror………..

Dear Reflection,

First of all, I gotta say congratulations on making it through this writing challenge.  I admit, I didn’t think you would stick it out.  It seems you’ve been working on that commitment phobia you had going there.  Good for you!

I think I’m starting to like you a lot more than I used to.  Certainly more than I did say four years ago.  I definitely know you better now than I ever did before, probably not as well as I should, but getting there.

That crap that your ex tells you?  It’s just that, a bunch of crap.  He sees that you are no longer taking responsibility for his life and his happiness and it pisses him off.  Know what?  Let him be pissed!  He might just get off his ass and take control of his own life, but if he doesn’t, it’s not your problem.  Don’t let him make you think it is.

I’m glad you have finally taken those blinders of yours off.  You know, the ones you wore and saw everyone as nice sweet innocent people with your best interest at heart?  Yeah, barf!  You are smarter than that, for the love of all things Holy, act it!

I hope you learned something from this challenge.  I have certainly learned a lot about you.  Keep learning, okay?

Love,

Jenn

To Tell Everything

Day 29: Someone you wish you could tell everything to…………….

Dear Finding Authenticity,

So yeah, I’m writing a letter to my blog.  On my blog.

I’m not crazy at all.

The thing is, this is the place that I wish I could tell it all.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Really just let it all hang out, kind of a purging of the mind and soul, if you will.  I wish I could, but I can’t.

I’ve come close a few times, and invariably, they are the posts that get the most traffic.  They are also, and more importantly, the posts I am the most proud of.  That should tell me something, and it does.

But I can’t tell you everything, you see.  As safe and protected as I feel when I write here, and as much as I love my regular readers, and the friends I’ve made online, there are people who read this, who aren’t so supportive.  Okay, so there is ONE person who reads this that isn’t so supportive.  Who isn’t supportive at all.

Those posts that I’m proud of?  The raw, uncensored, real ones?  The fallout from them is remarkable.  My words, my feelings, are thrown in my face when I am at my lowest.  Better yet, my words are misinterpreted, taken out of context, and made into something they were never meant to be.  It’s not right.  It’s not fair.  But it is.

I think, in a way, this is an attempt to make me take you down.  To stop writing.  That, will never happen.  What I have found is that for whatever reason, some people just don’t want anyone to find their voice.  They don’t want others to find happiness, because they themselves are so miserable.  I choose to be happy, and now that I have found my voice, I choose to use it.

So, there are things that I hide.  There are things that I don’t discuss with you the way I should.  One day soon, that will change, I hope.  Until then, I will keep writing, and keep getting close.

Love,

Jenn