Day 3: Your parents……..
Ok so my parents have been divorced for longer than they were together, and I have hugely different relationships (and issues) with each of them, so I am going to do 2 letters.
I am starting with you because your letter will be the hardest, and I like to get the hardest part done first. Actually, you taught me that.
Dad, I wish our relationship was different, or more accurately, I wish we had a relationship, I really do. I hate that I haven’t seen you in over ten years, and except for calling you last year to tell you I had left my husband, haven’t talked in ten years. Does it bother you, ever? I does me. Not as much as it used to, but it still does sometimes.
I know that I was never an easy daughter, and for a long time I probably wasn’t a very good daughter, and I am sorry for that. I have this need to question authority, and I don’t know where it came from, but it has been there, probably since birth. I remember as a teenager, getting into trouble constantly, and you and mom both said to me “I hope you have a daughter that does these same things to you one day!” Well, dad, thanks for that. Let me introduce you to your grand-daughter Megan. If I hadn’t already felt badly about my teen years, she would have made me. She has taken some of my antics to a whole other level, and has tried my patience in ways I never knew possible. You”re laughing now, right? Yeah, go ahead, I probably deserve it.
The difference between you and me is that I would never, ever cut my child out of my life. I just don’t even understand the thought process that makes that right, or okay. I’m sorry dad, I’m over it, and I even forgive you for it, but I will never understand it.
I know that I disappointed you in a thousand different ways over the years. Growing up, you provided us with a life style that most people, including my own children, can only dream of. They have never been on a vacation. I can’t hand them a credit card to go shopping for designer clothes whenever they want to. I couldn’t buy my daughter a car. I appreciate that you did all those things for us, for me, I really do. What I did give my kids instead is love, and time, and attention. They would tell you too much attention, but I don’t think there is such a thing.
In the long run though, I really believe that you are the one that missed out. I think that you would be proud of the person I have become. I think that you would admire how many times I get back up, when life knocks me down. Sometimes I get the wind knocked out of me, sometimes it might take a while, but I always get back up. Someone once asked me why I thought it was that I never cracked under the pressure, retreated into a depression, or a mental breakdown. I couldn’t answer that then, and I am not sure I can now, but I’m proud that I am strong enough to take what comes my way. As my father, you should be proud too.
What I know you missed out on is your grand children. They are the most amazing, beautiful, smart people on this planet. These kids bring joy to everyone they meet. I’m sorry that you don’t know them. I hope still that some day that will change, for your sake as well as theirs. You have a great-grandson now too, and he is just as incredible as his mom is.
What I really want you to know, most of all, is that I love you, and I always will.