You say that you want me back, but I have to wonder, do you even know who I am? I have to warn you, the person you knew, the person you say you miss, doesn’t exist anymore. Actually, she never really did exist. The reality is, I made her up. I knew what was expected, knew exactly who everyone wanted me to be, so that’s exactly who I was. I wasn’t really trying to lie, that was never my intention. I just knew, at the very core, where the real truth can be found, that I wasn’t good enough. For anyone. Not for you, certainly not for these amazing people who called me mommy. So, I tried. I really and honestly tried to be the person that everyone wanted, needed, me to be. I was better at it than I thought. I did it so well for so long that I kind of forgot who I really am. I don’t know if I ever really knew the real me, but I do now, and from now on, that is who I will be, for better or worse.
Do you know what it’s like to have the people you love more than life itself look at you differently? To be in a crowded place, and have strangers look at you with disapproval, judgment, or, in extreme cases, even outright disgust? Do you know what it like to look at those same people and know that they have the right to cast a vote regarding the validity of your soul? I do, now. These things do something to a person. Not necessarily bad things. It makes you stronger, thicker skinned. It gives you a sort of jagged edge, a protection of sorts. The tough, sharp outer layer necessary to protect the soft, bruised interior.
So, before you say something like you want me back, you need to take time. Take time to know who I am, all of me, even the parts you don’t like. This is who I am now, and I’m not sure I fit in your world anymore. Are you?