Tonights festivities

So, tonight my ex is supposed to be coming over to “talk”. Given the horrible mood I have been in since Sunday, this is probably NOT the best time for us to have a conversation. Given the fact that my ex is no longer on medication, this is probably the WORST time for us to see, hear, smell, or otherwise acknowledge each others presence. Call it a hunch, I’m not expecting great communication, open and honest sharing, mutual respect for each others feelings, and a friendly hug at the conclusion.

You may be wondering why, in 2010, with endless technology, we need to “talk” in person. A very good question. The issue here is, when we talk on the phone, he hangs up on me. I. HATE. TO. BE. HUNG. UP. ON!!! Slam a door in my face, scream at me, SPIT in my face if you must, just don’t ever hang up on me. Ever. He does it every time. So, I tried e mailing him. He deletes e mails he doesn’t wish to read. Lovely. So, in the interest of saving my sanity, I told him that any future conversations we have will have to be in person. I need to buy some wine. A lot of wine. Don’t judge me, we all do what we gotta do.

The topics to be covered in this edition of the war of the roses are, as I understand them:

1. Me taking permanent, full custody of all of my children. Ok, nothing would make me happier, however, I already have all but one of my children with me, and he is not giving me any more money than when I only had two children. Also, I live in my friends house, and there are many, many other people living here. Unless I am supposed to hang my son from my over crowded closet, I don’t know where he is supposed to sleep.

2. The fact that since I moved out in August, he has apparently not paid a single bill. I want my house. My children want my house. He wants me to have my children. Now, I am not a rocket scientist, but it seems to me if he would pay the bills, I could have my house, and my kids, and he could go on his merry way. Why am I the only one that sees the beauty in this plan? I don’t know. People should listen to me, I tell ya, I’m smart!

3. The status of our divorce. Hmm, here’s where the curses start to really fly. Depending on the day, he has a lawyer, has papers ready, doesn’t want a divorce, wants me back, wants full custody, wants no custody, what the hell? How do I reason with the unreasonable?

So, yeah, I need to buy some wine. I need to meditate, and go to my happy place where no mean words are spoken, clouds are pink marshmallows, and pretty unicorns poop jelly beans, cause this is gonna be one HELL of a night!

More about me than you wanted to know

Since I am now in my “emotional cripple” phase and really don’t want to explore that anymore than absolutely necessary, thankyouverymuch, I found this online and thought it would be fun. You should do it too!

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Um, depends on the day I guess, recently an immature 2 at best, usually, probably close to my real age.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Probably never trying, but that doesn’t mean I think you should try in every situation.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Lot’s of reasons, money, obligations, responsibilities

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Wow, yeah probably…I should change that though.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I would make people embrace differences and diversity

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Something that was important, probably with children

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
Depends on how this is meant. If doing is work, then definitely, I’m settling.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Wow, well Im 41, so I guess I would be living like every day was a gift at this point.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I don’t think I controlled it at all for a long time. I’m trying really hard to change that now.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Hmm, I worry about both! Probably more about doing things right though.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would defend my friend.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Always be true to yourself.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? without question

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? I don’t think you can have one without the other.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Um, I always stir my coffee 5 times. Always.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? I guess because we are all different, but it would be great if they could wouldnt it?

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? There is a phone call that I REALLY want to make, but making it could disrupt a lot of peoples lives.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Haha, uh, yeah!

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Probably Oregon. Because it beautiful, and more environmentally friendly.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? Yes, I do, and no, I don’t. So I don’t know why I do it. Don’t judge me.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? A joyful simpleton. Joyful sounds fun.

22. Why are you, you? Because if I wasn’t who would be?

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I hope so.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Wow, not sure which is worse. Both hurt like hell.

25. What are you most grateful for? My kids. Even when they piss me off.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? See, the Buddhist in me should say that old memories mean nothing and to live in the now, but I couldn’t give up my old memories

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? I’m sure its possible, but I always challenge

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Yes.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Yes. They all mattered.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? No specific memory, just remember the security that comes with childhood.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? This past summer when I took control of my life

32. If not now, then when? Now. Now or Never

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Sometimes everything.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Absolutely! I have been fortunate to know several amazing people with that ability.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? They don’t accept anyones values or beliefs other than their own

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? In extreme cases, yes. I think that there is a lot of grey area between the two however.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Hell yes!! I would find one that meant something though, I wouldn’t just not work.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work I enjoy doing. Hard work doesn’t scare me, boredom does.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Sadly, yes

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? August 27, 2009

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? Well this question just sucks! Guess I would have to make the a fore mentioned phone call.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No. When I was younger I might have said yes, but not now.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Living honestly

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? When you know longer have a choice.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Cause mistakes are painful and hurt like hell. Duh!

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Everything!

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? On the track

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my kids, and I really hope that my actions express that, because everything I do is for them.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? In some form, yes. It all matters.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I make them, because of others, or for the best interest of others, but I make my own decisions, for better or worse.

I live here. This is home.

I live here. This is home. My clothes are upstairs, waiting to be put away, next to my clothes waiting to be washed, in a little, tiny room, my room. There is junk on the floor, and cribs, and highchairs and bottles everywhere. There is food on the counters, and children eating, and grown ups cooking more food, and more people eating. I live here. This is home.

There are teenagers fighting with their mothers, and mothers fighting with grown children, who will ALWAYS be children in their mother’s eyes. There are 10 and 12 year old little girls who think they are teenagers, who fight with their brothers who are happy to fight back. There are babies that cry, and an endless supply of arms to pick them up, endless voices to comfort and sing softly. There are endless feet to walk around the junk, and step on spilled potato chips. There is a shortage of hands willing to pick up said junk and chips. I live here. This is home.

There are men hiding in undisclosed parts of the house. Looking for quiet, never finding it, but able to block the chaos out. There are women, yelling at the men, angry that, without the necessary y chromosome, they are genetically unable to block chaos. I live here. This is home.

There is drama unfolding at an alarming pace. Drama similar to dramas recently played in this house, with a different cast. There are many voices warning of the dangers and pitfalls, and ears tuning out warnings, drowning them out while they listen to their heart. There is danger in that, and there are arms and comforting voices on standby. There are people waiting, to watch sad movies, and listen to sad music, and eat mountains of Ben and Jerrys, when needed. There is love, always love. I live here. This is home.

Growing Up

Oh my Holy Lord, I think it finally happened. Or at least has started to happen. I think I am finally and really growing up! I know! Amazing, but true.

Really, I can prove it!

I went out last night with a new friend. My new friend is 47 years old! Now, that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it is, because for the last year I have been going out with people who were between the ages of 21 and 23.

I know, I’m a cougar, I can’t help it.

Here’s the thing. I don’t see anything wrong with going out as friends with people in different age groups. I truly don’t. I feel like it benefits everyone involved, and it is a lot of fun. The problems come when you try to have a relationship that goes beyond friendship. Unless, you happened to have enjoyed high school. Then I guess you’re good.

For Fuck’s Sake!

So last night I had a drama free evening with a very nice woman. Not one time during the evening did I think “Oh my God, my daughter just said that same thing!” Not once did I think anyone was looking at us and thinking I was having a drink with my daughter. We talked, and I actually found that we have a lot in common! Not only that, it was kind of a relief to be with someone my own age. I didn’t feel like I had to be on guard, monitor what I said, be someone I’m not. I was me. We had fun.

Maybe she will call me and we will do something again, maybe not. Either way, I’m going to be me from now on. If that isn’t good enough, well then, that’s too bad. It will be for someone. See, told you, I’m growing up!

For You

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I’m not really sure why exactly, because in those first few weeks I trained myself pretty well to think about anything BUT you. I am not as on guard anymore, the passing of time has lessened the pain that thinking or hearing your name used to cause me. You probably will never read this, but I am an optimist, and I can always hope.

You and I were never meant to be forever. I think I always knew that, deep down, but God, I really wanted us to be. You were never meant to be my ending, but you were exactly who I needed you to be at exactly the right time, and I will always be grateful to you for that. You came into my life when I was facing challenges and decisions I had put off for too long, and somehow you knew exactly how to support me through that. I will always be grateful to you for that.

The part of you that you share with the world is such a small part of who you really are. You wrap yourself in toughness and bravado, in a senseless attempt to hide the softhearted, compassionate, caring person that I know you to be. Don’t be afraid of that side of yourself, and please, don’t ever be afraid to show it to the people you care about. The person you are behind your act is far too good a person to miss, and I am so thankful that I got to know the real you, no matter how brief a time.

I will still think of you, in a thousand random moments of every day life. When I hear a particular song, or when I make a fried egg sandwich. Hearing someone say incredibles, or God help me, use the words messy and lesbian in a sentence will always make me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh too.

I hope you are happy, and you have found what you have been looking for. I hope that you stay that way, because you deserve to be happy always. Take care little one, I hope we meet again one day.

The Group

I really don’t know how to write this post, tell this news that needs to be told. My writing skills are seriously lacking to convey the horror and grief that a family I don’t know is feeling today. I need to try though. I need to try my very best, because yesterday these parents became part of a group that no one ever wants to be a part of, a group that I am also an unwilling member of. It is the group of parents who had to bury a child.

I heard the news late last night. A friend of a friend was killed in a car accident. She was very young, only in her early twenties. She was just beginning her life, and now she is gone. I feel horrible for the tragic waste of such a young life, I am devastated for her friends, my heart breaks for her young boyfriend. I feel deeply for them all, but this post is not for them. This post is for her parents, because last night the world ended for them.

I don’t begin to say I know how they feel, because they are in a very personal, private hell right now, and I don’t believe it is ever the same for any parent facing this kind of horror. I do know that today, and the days that follow will pass in a painful blur. I know that they will notice that the sun still rises and sets, that cars still drive down the road, that their neighbors still go to work, and be amazed. They will be absolutely shocked that for everyone else on the planet, life still goes on. Perhaps that will anger them in the days to come. Maybe they will want to scream, like I once did, “how can you just keep going like nothing changed! Don’t you know NOTHING will EVER be the same?” The truth of those words pierce me still, because for me, and for them, nothing ever will be the same again.

In the days and weeks to come, these parents will have to make a new normal for themselves. They will have to re learn how to shower, eat, sleep. Much later they will re learn how to smile, later still, laugh. It will be different, forever.

I don’t know these people, and I have no reason to believe that they will ever read this blog. One day, though someone else might, someone who has become yet another member of the group no one wants to be in. For these parents, for every parent in the group, I wanted to write this today, just to say I understand.